Time has come that I believe I’ll have to align myself to either of the theological polarities – be a believer or an atheist. I was never comfortable with the concept of praying something for myself, be it riches, long life, success or whatsoever earthly measures, setting aside the days of ignorance in school where examinations were considered to be one of the areas where a bit of uncertainty and divine grace somewhat helped, if not in marks, but in confidence albeit. Setting all that aside, when I admitted my child into hospital today, I didn’t realize whether I should save my strength for prayer or use it up fighting all odds which seem to have playing some undercurrent to my well-being for past couple of weeks (Having to admit my father thrice within a month into a hospital hoping it would be the last time). Should I stop believing? My baby is not even a year – does she have the stamina to bear all this pain? Does she have the faintest idea that there is more to life than playing some mischief and trying to grab things she is told not to? I am the father who is doing to nothing to soothe her pain.
I am keen to keep my faith but I don’t have infinite resource of vital force to push all the darkness away. I don’t have anyone to look up to for help. I have been fighting with all my vigour, by my strength is fading out. I am losing the insight for hope. Our scriptures say strength comes from within, surely it’s not going to last for ever.